Not exactly sure how I am going to pen down all my thoughts here in this space, but this shall be my attempt.
(This goes out to you)
I know in this life, or rather in our relationship, I’ll always be a tad bit happier than you are. Yet, I am being the ugly me; the one that’s 24/7 temperamental and difficult. How I wish I could put into words the feelings that I feel. Effort would mean results, that I know, hence I don’t expect you to believe me when I say that I have tried to be less temperamental because there are no positive results. Reality really hits me hard when I witness how happy you can be around me even though you’ve been through more thick than thin, yet me being me, cannot even wear a smile at times.
When I first saw you sitting opposite me in your sleeping tee that night, I fell in love. I have never really thought about “love at first sight”, but I’m certain that when I looked at you, it was love. Being the impulsive girl I was, there was little or no hesitation to the actions I did to get you close to me. Honestly speaking, I’m pretty sure this started on the night of 25th May 2008, when you said to me over the phone in an unsure tone “can we try?” Then again, I’ve grown so familiar with the 26th so let’s keep it at that.
I knew the moment I saw you that I loved you, but I never knew how long I would love you for. I do however know that I’ve made mistakes that others would not forgive, unlike how you did. But throughout these heart wrenching times, I never expected that you would regret your fight for me. I know, I expect way too much, sometimes even beyond what I am allowed to, but “regret” turned out to be too big a word for me; too big a wound. Through all these selfish thoughts, I have never asked myself this question - “did he expect me to do what I did?” The answer? Obviously, no. Looking back now, it wouldn’t be fair for me to say “I never expected you to regret your fight for me; us.”
The fear in me now is so overwhelming. I fear for this relationship; I fear the imperfection. I fear that you have faced hurt that cannot be healed by the hands of time. I want you to know, that I’m a different me. I’m willing to make you my priority, to let you occupy my entire heart. I’m willing to help you heal, even if it is only temporary. I’d make you smile; I’d be happy; I’d have sex with you; because I know it makes you forget everything for that while. But I fear too, that in time, smiles, laughter and sex will no longer heal your wounds even temporarily. When that time comes, what do I have left to give?
Goodnight xo.
